PERSONAL// I admit it.. I have anxiety and PND

Sunday 15th November being the first day of the PNDA (post natal depression anxiety) week, I thought I would finally break my silence as there is no worse feeling on this planet then feeling alone.

By alone I mean feeling like not a single person on this world can relate, even though you are surrounded by beautiful people the world around feels so cold and alone.

I've learnt that I am human and I have feeling also, some that need more attention then others. And no matter how much I aspire to be a “WonderMum” there is no such thing as a wondermum and you can only do you best and give it your all.

A lot of raw emotions and memories will surface as I bring up and face my biggest fear, talking about my anxiety and letting you all know you’re not alone.

So lets wind back the clock to when I was pregnant and my first early signs of depression and anxiety hit- I didn’t know at the time and only now looking back on it I’m like “Aaah”.

I suffered severe depression as a young one and never sought help, and in the end it almost ended my short life on Earth- but I will make another post on this.

So my pregnancy with Hayley was cruisey, like no morning sickness and a long 13hour labour but also an easy one.  I was madly in love as soon as I saw her and there was nothing in the world that would phase me.

But then forward it on to three years later and I fell pregnant with Madison. From the absolute moment I fell pregnant I was sick and in quite a lot of pain for no real reason.  If I didn’t have to go out I wouldn’t in fear I would throw up somewhere public.

Then New Years Eve I was out to dinner as I had been conned into going out thanks to Madison’s Dad. But I was glad to get out not looking forward to food so I ordered bruschetta, something small and not to complex- I swear Madison hated food.

But anyway it was all served up and Madison’s Dad ordered something absolutely disgusting to my nose that was some sort of seafood and I could feel my stomach just churning. I was just about to excuse myself before my contents of my stomach left my mouth and ended up all over the floor of the restaurant and lap of Madison’s Dad.

I was mortified, absolutely mortified and refused to go out anywhere for the last two months of my pregnancy and didn’t even eat a whole lot. This is where my anxiety either started or was triggered.

Madison was born, and again I fell head over heels in love all over again and my labour was an absolute breeze. My labour was spent in Etihad stadium cheering on North Melbourne in their win.

Three months passed and Madison was the perfect child and things started to go sour that Summer. My trigger was food and the heat. I had panic attacks where I would get all sweaty and couldn’t eat, that year I didn’t eat for just over three months and my diet consisted of water, powerade and occasion few bites of toast. It wasn’t because I didn’t like food or wasn’t happy with my body but instead was me not being able to stand the smell of food.

I didn’t know any of this at the time though and can only look back it now and realise I let it spiral out of control and I only wished I would seek help.

Madison was two years old and I went to my Doctor who I trust more then anybody and told her I think something was wrong with me. She diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with a mix of Post natal depression that I didn’t get on top of, which ultimately turned into the worst.

I am still struggling with anxiety and sometimes it will make me feel depressed; like all the walls in my little world are crushing me. I still avoid restaurants and eating out when I can, and the mention of it makes me feel sick until its done and dusted.

The hardest part for me was/is not having important people in my life understand, and rather telling me it's all in my end and burn the bridges and get over it... If I could do that I would, this condition is debilitating when it gets bad.  I need to be happy and healthy for myself but more importantly, for my two girls who I put on this Earth.

But I cannot express enough for anybody thinking something might be up to seek help. I know how hard it is to look for help as you don’t want to be seen as having a problem or thinking you’ve failed your job as a mother.

If not seeing your doctor there is a helpline out there with professionals and help just waiting for your call. PANDA org is there for Mother’s and Father’s suffering or think they may be suffering from post and prenatal mental health issues.

PANDA's National Perinatal Depression Helpline, funded by the Australian and Victorian Governments, provides vital support, information, referral and counselling to thousands of Australian parents and their families. Callers do not need to have a diagnosis of antenatal or postnatal depression to make contact with the Helpline, PANDA is keen to support any new parent struggling during pregnancy or after the birth of their baby, as well as their partner, family and friends.

Personally PANDA is going to be the next step in my venture to the light on the other end of the tunnel. But I am still just coming to term with the fact that everything isn’t butterflies and rainbows, before I help myself!

I can't wait to get back to my own self, and hopefully I am not alone on the journey.